By Sam Page
To my mind, #HockeyTwitter consists of three categories: Roberto Luongo, Bob McKenzie, and everyone else. Any realistic ranking of best hockey Tweets of the year would be a list of Strombone1 Tweets, followed by a list of McKenzie Tweets, followed by a list of the times Strombone1 tweeted at McKenzie and vice versa. But for the sake of variety, I limited myself to just one of each for these rankings.
All in all, it was a good year to be a hockey fan on Twitter. The lockout-shortened 2013 season provided plenty of action and the 2013-14 campaign is off to a solid start. And if I was to take away one moral from the whole thing, I think it would be this: Sidney Crosby has only been traded to Toronto if @Real_ESPNLeBrun tweets it, not @ReaI_ESPNLeBrun.
Joe Thornton stroking his [rooster]–SFW, actually
Sam Gagner’s selfie–NSFW, actually
Hal Gill’s halloween–I have no idea.
13. Probably wishes he had now…
I’m retiring and playing hockey
— Metta World Peace (@MettaWorldPeace) July 12, 2013
… given his current level of enthusiasm for basketball.
There was that one night that Nail Yakupov literally responded to everyone who tweeted at him, before some Oilers social media guru was tasked with reining him in. He’s not the free spirit he once was, but he’s still good for a spectacular Tweet every once in a while.
11. When a waste of money starts wasting money
Soon: Glendale schoolchildren eat literal garbage to fund Mike Smith’s contract.
— Sean Gentille (@seangentille) July 3, 2013
This Tweet, sent out when everyone was watching the livestream of the Glendale City Council ratifying the Coyotes’ lease (thus keeping them in Arizona), perfectly encapsulates everything that’s wrong with this team’s situation. The worst part is that when this dystopian vision of the future inevitably comes to pass, Mike Smith still won’t be good.
10. LA Kingss
Be wary of any insiderr tradess and rumorss; not because it’s April 1st, but because they are usuallyy wrongg.
— LA Kings (@LAKings) April 1, 2013
Fake NHL insiders are some of the most grating accounts on Twitter, so props to the Kings for taking on my arch-nemesis, Hockeyy Insiderr.
9. Jesus and Keanu Reeves have the same DNA
Our plane got hungry kids and it ate a hawk now the hawk is in birdie heaven our flight is delayed Keanu Reeves and Jesus have the same DNA — Rich Clune (@richcluneshow) December 6, 2013
The first part of the Tweet refers to this. The second part of the Tweet is up to you to decipher.
8. Joel Ward gets stuck in the toilet
His teammates would eventually affect an inspiring rescue mission.
7. Leafs jokes are easy, but that doesn’t make them wrong
Do thousands of fans walking away from Maple Leafs Square count as a parade?
— Bonk’s Mullet (@BonksMullet) May 14, 2013
6. Ference shaves
5. Stick to basketball
Amazingly, this is only the second highest-ranked burn directed at an ESPN account on this list.
4. #assmode comes through
I told you guys I could do it! — Guy Serota (@GuySerota) January 6, 2013
Guy Serota was supposed to be introduced as an independent third-party mediator during the NHL lockout, before his hilariously lewd Twitter account was discovered. His hashtag of choice, #assmode, became a rallying cry for hockey fans during the lockout, and the minute an agreement was reached between the players and the league, Serota chimed in with this amazing mock-celebration.
3. Don’t step to Bob McKenzie unless you want to get slapped
The context: always excellent Leafs beat writer James Mirtle made a joke that Bob McKenzie would be joining Ron Burgundy for TSN’s curling coverage, after the network lost its Canadian NHL TV rights. It was admittedly not a bad line, but you never step to Uncle Bob, the G.O.A.T.
2. The Sharks throw ESPN’s lame meme bandwagoning back in their face
Honorable mention in the category of “ESPN is a punching bag”: Alyssa Milano ID’s Luc Robitaille.
1. Roberto Luongo ribs Mike Milbury
If Mike Milbury’s systematic destruction of one of the NHL’s proudest franchises was all meant to lead to this tweet, I’m almost OK with it. Honorable mention for best Luongo tweets: French Renaud and, really, the entire rest of his feed.